Tags
Animals, Fun, Humor, Just Because, Pets
Mark over at The Idiot Speaketh has been regaling us with tales of his kitties. After reading about attempts to get Maggie into a carrier to get her to the groomer, I was reminded of an email we got many years ago. I have no idea who authored this (no credit was given in the email) but this is hysterically funny. Enjoy!
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
- Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and hold cat in right hand and repeat process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
- Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
- Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
- Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
- Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
- Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw shredded Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
- Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
- Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
- Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call a furniture shop on way home to order new table.
- Call SPCA to find cat a new home. Call Pet Shop for price on Hamsters.
aFrankAngle said:
Takes me back to the days when we had to give our cats pills. Oh boy!
LikeLike
dragonfae said:
No kidding! I got a number of “battle scars” from giving my boys pills. π
LikeLike
ryoko861 said:
Anyone with a cat can SO relate to this!! Yes, this is exactly what it’s like! Minus the fire department. π
LikeLike
dragonfae said:
Fortunately my boys weren’t quite this bad! They were bad enough though. π
LikeLike
TheIdiotSpeaketh said:
That is utterly hilarious…because it is 100% true! Thanks for the laugh Fae! π
LikeLike
dragonfae said:
You bet buddy! Besides, it’s only fair to provide a laugh for you once in a while after all the laughs you’ve given us. π
LikeLike
Kathryn McCullough said:
Here’s my take. As soon as you utter those 5 words–how hard could it be–disaster or something approximating it is soon to follow. Very funny!
Hugs,
Kathy
LikeLike
dragonfae said:
I know, right? What other title could possibly fit a situation like this! π
LikeLike
John Erickson said:
I’ve seen that before, and it is so spot-on. And just to let you know, “How hard can it be?” is the unofficial motto of the guys on “Top Gear UK”. Among other things following those words have been a massive fire at a camping site that burned their trailer AND someone else’s, at least one modified car going over a cliff, and no less than 4 amphibious vehicles sunk. Not to mention being chased out of a small Alabama town, live!
So please, never, EVER use those horrific words “How hard can it be”! Please? π
LikeLike
dragonfae said:
Wow … hard to believe a bunch of guys are either that incompetent or unlucky? Maybe one or more of them are cursed. π
LikeLike
John Erickson said:
Based upon what these guys have survived (including one who crashed a jet-powered dragster at over 250mph and survived almost 6 months in ICU), I think they are highly blessed – as in my mother’s favourite phrase, “Heaven helps the idiots”. π
LikeLike
Dana said:
Thank goodness I was just a kid when we had cats, so I never had the personal responsibility of giving any sort of meds to our pets. Both my parents have lived this exact scenario many, many times. π
LikeLike
dragonfae said:
What? You’ve not yet had the fun of pilling a cat? We may have to rectify that! π
LikeLike
Dana said:
Not a chance!! π
LikeLike