I guess that I’m going to need to give a little background before I get into the meat of this post since it’s likely there will be at least a few folks who might read this who don’t know me well. As a child, I was raised in the Christian faith (Born Again or Evangelical depending on who you talk to). I never really felt a connection to the Christian God even though I really wanted to. As I grew older, I started to notice that a lot of the folks we went to church with were hypocritical … you know, talking about the “evils” of the world, but indulging in those same “evils” when they think no one is looking. By the time I hit about 16 I’d pretty much decided I no longer wanted any part of it.
I’m sort of a late-comer to Paganism. I’ve only been practicing for about 6 years but I suppose there are some who would contend that it’s actually been a lot longer, I just didn’t realize it. Nothing formal, but if you ask my daughter she’ll tell you I’ve been a kitchen witch all my life. Anyway, up until recently I’ve mostly dealt with deity in a generic “mother” and “father” sense. Sure, I’ve done a few solitary rituals where I’ve called on a specific god and goddess, but most of the rituals with others that I’ve participated in is with a group of friends and we all serve different pantheons, so generic seems to be a less complicated way to go.
Now, I don’t have anyone I’d consider a patron yet, but I do feel a very strong pull to the Celtic pantheon. I’m not really uncomfortable with other pantheons, I just don’t feel the same pull. But the more we practice and learn to listen to deity, the more “interesting” things seem to get. A couple of weeks ago several of us decided to hold a ritual in part as an early Mabon celebration, and in part to send some energy to a friend who is having a rough time right now. While discussing some of the details of the ritual with one of my online sisters, I don’t think it surprised either of us that Isis wanted to be involved … our sister in need is drawn to the Egyptian pantheon. But it was definitely an experience for me. So much so that I’m hoping getting some of my thoughts on it written down here will help me clarify things in my own mind a bit.
There are a couple of reasons this was important to me. First, having never dealt with the Egyptian pantheon directly, it was a little intimidating to get bossed around for 3 days prior to doing the ritual. Now, I’d spoken to some folks (including my daughter) who regularly deal with them so I wasn’t put off or upset about being “commanded” to do what they felt was needed, but man … let’s just say the experience was “interesting”. The ritual itself went very well and I know we accomplished what we set out to do. No problem there. But it’s almost as if in some way that experience was set before me to prepare me somehow for something (someone?) yet to come.
I’ve started getting “nudges” from someone, I”m not sure who yet but her energy is definitely Celtic. And while I am very appreciative that I wasn’t asked to do much while we were going through all the chaos with the pup, it feels like I’m about to be thrown into a different sort of chaos. I get that I’m supposed to be working with herbs and crystals and healing energies. But I’m not sure I’m ready for things with my herbal concoctions to suddenly take off.
On top of my concoctions, I’ve recently had a number of requests for beaded gemstone pieces … some for protection, some “just because” and while I love making them I just haven’t had the time lately. So the list continues to grow. Yikes. And either my chiropractor is an awesome sales guy (I sure don’t get that from him) or word of mouth is starting to get out, but he’s going through my muscle rub fast enough that they’ve run out and have patients asking when they’ll be getting more.
OK, good, we were wanting to have things go in this direction. But what’s weird is this is two days after I had a conversation with a coworker and both of us are so frustrated with work right now he’s thinking of finding another job and I’m wondering if I should consider going part time so I’d have the time to really kick the Dragonstone stuff up a notch. And in the background of all this is that goddess, constantly nudging me. And even though I know this is where I’m supposed to be headed it’s still a little disconcerting.
I’m not sure where all this will lead. And from a logical standpoint there are a lot of complications to overcome to really grow things to where I’d like them to go. There are all the city and state laws and regulations that would have to be complied with (taxes, “official” business creation, licenses, etc) and then there is a very real possibility of everything disintegrating if the FDA gets its way (I’ll leave that rant for another post). What is clear to me though is that I’m supposed to be doing this. And not just because I like to do it, but because “she” feels it should be. The really hard part is setting the logic aside and just going with it … and trusting that it will all work out the way it’s supposed to. I don’t trust easily and having a huge unknown floating around out there yet being compelled to push forward has me wanting to second-guess everything. I know I shouldn’t and I’m trying to just “be” and go with it. I’m trying not to let myself get so nuts over it I drive myself crazy, but I definitely prefer to be in control and this is a real challenge for me.
Sorry if that seemed to ramble a bit. I had hoped to sort some things out while typing it up, but sadly I don’t think I’m any closer to enlightening myself than I was when I started. Oh well, it’s time to head to bed anyway. Perhaps a little sleep will help.
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